Essays in Love by Alain de Botton

So after I wrote that previous blogpost, SP commented and asked if I’ve read Essays in Love by Alain De Botton. And since I finished reading Trash (it’s the title of a book by Andy Mulligan which I liked btw), and I was feeling a bit “ready for it” — I decided to read it.

OMG.

Let’s just say, I find it funny that after I posted my review, it became the most helpful review in shelfari. and the review was:

o_O

When I tapped Kobo to close the book, my mouth was hanging open.. ehem.. is still hanging open actually. And I mean this quite literally. haha!

Where do I start? It started kinda ordinarily– boy meets girl. And then you start to see how it’s different and you understand why the title is what it is. I liked how this book was written. I never give spoilers so what else is there to be said about this book?

1) It’s a love story. Yep.

2) It’s a love story told via a man’s perspective.

3) It’s in its most basic sense its title — Essays in Love (or Essays on Love).

4) If you want to be more “propesyonal” about it — it’s a book discussing love– its forms, birth, processes, reasons, its little peculiarities, why things work out, why things don’t, different philosophies and thoughts pertaining to it, and how people deal or not deal with it.

5) This might not be for everyone. But I think if you were in love or thought you were in love, you would be able to relate. I wonder if this would appeal more to those hurt by love, those in love, or those wanting love, etc?

6) It’s sappy but not so sappy. It felt like my 2nd to the last sentence in my previous blog post– when you’re trying not to be too much of a romantic idealist by being realistic while battling cynicism at the same time. Yun.

7) And I think I highlighted the hell out of this book. I had this crazy idea to put quotes of the book on this post, but I feel too out of it to do it. (Maybe another post? )

8) The chapter with the initials RT was very enlightening. Also the chapter with JC.

9) So far, It is my best book of the year (I’ve read more than 30,I think?)

10) READ IT.

Now, to get this stupefied look off my face. And I wonder if Alain (wow close!) has other books… ?

PS.

SP—> you earn maximum kudos points from me. I wanna treat you out for coffee! Are you in Manila?! Attend a FFP discussion!

Midnight Ramblings in Manila

I just finished watching Midnight in Paris and it was wonderful.

Love. Paris. Dreams.

It kinda makes you go… Hmm… and think about who you are, who you’re with (if you’re with someone), or who you want (if you’re not with someone.) Love is something that I want to experience but I’m honestly bat shit scared of. Well, it comes from seeing first hand all its effects…of love.. or lust, or whatever stupidity it is that affects men, or us all ( just to be fair).

We are creatures capable of so much stupidity.

Do we really know how it is to love? I’m sure that we know how it is to try, and most often than not, we expect ourselves to be disappointed.

What am I saying? That perhaps love is an illusion. or love is a fantastical notion.Or maybe just out of reach from us normal human beings?  (If you’re in love and feel loved. Feel special NOW.)

I have become as cynical as the person I think I love. Cynicism is a “virtue” that should never have been invented. For without it, the world would be a better place, boredom would be dead, and then I’d still be a lot more naive, maybe happier. I’m not sure.

But then maybe… just maybe, Love is real. It does seem that way when I see people holding hands and walking. Some people have tried holding my hand. I turn into stone.

What is it that you would get out of love? Why is it that when some people fall  in love they leach onto someone and drain the life out of them? or how do some manage to seemingly take nothing like a gesture or a sentence and turn it into life’s greatest adventure?

Adventures are a dime a dozen to those in love. As much as it tires them ,it seems, they keep coming back for more. But  then what is “more” than just a quantity that never really tires anyway? We are as much fallacies of our own making, as we are mistaken impressions of other people. We endlessly try our best to exist in a time that is fleeting. Yes, we take it upon ourselves (or at least try) to be “here” as much as we can, in what time we have– how little or big that might be.

Big Time>Small Time?

But then Time as per the book I’m reading is different for everyone. It is a second. It stops. It’s a day. It’s forever. I am of the belief that time is but a construct of what we are. We are of the future, stuck in the past, not moving at present, in the process of being unstuck, we are moving fast, slow.. or not in time. ever.

And so we question– what is time to a person in love? Is it fast? slow ? or is it a neoprint taken one dreary afternoon in 2002?

We ask more. Is it better to just go for it and leap? or to go slow? Will it even make a difference? Does the song that goes ..we had the right love at the wrong time.. –even really make sense? Or was it just something to make us all feel better about ourselves?

For the one that got away.

The one that ran as fast as they could away from you. The one that you thought would wait. The one that died. The one that you knew loved you but were an asshole to. The one that you gave your all to. The one you got pregnant. The one who found someone prettier. The one that found someone way less good looking than you.  The one that did this. The one that did that. But ultimately, it was the one  that you thought you loved that left.

And maybe it was a good thing.

But you ponder when it’s dark , you’re alone and just watched a movie on love– could any of the ones that got away be— THE one? That’s going to bother anyone and everyone. If THE one that got away was THE one, then why bother again? ever?

But then, how would I even know who is THE one?

THE one that seems most likely to be missing, or perhaps trapped in a parallel dimension trying endlessly to find me? THE one that will be holding my hand with the same tight grip today and onwards to forever? THE one that makes me the most crazy angry? or is it THE one that will kiss me on the cheek and then I’d know everything will be alright?

I’d like to believe that I’d fall in love with THE one.

My naivety(and my collection of romance pocketbooks) is showing. Forgive me. The words just seem to run. And it feels sometimes that  I’ve been running all my life. I’d believed half of it was away from .. something and half of it was toward… something.

Both somethings are surely crazy, maybe one more so than the other.

So what is the point?

I ramble on on how love could be real. Or not. And i wrestle with my romantic idealism while I deal with reality and do my best to control the cynicism from spreading.

But really, on Love?  I still have absolutely no idea.

XOXO

Note: Not edited and I really don’t feel like it tonight. If there are mistakes in punctuation or whatever, I’m really sorry– this was written mostly not looking at the screen and just letting my hands do the typing.I kinda miss rambling. And watch the movie.

TM Speech #3: The Triangular Theory of Love

It’s like a rosary, because it’s full of mysteries. It means never having to say you’re sorry. It’s that feeling you get when you meet the right person. It makes the whole world go around.

What is it?

It’s love.

Love is the eternal topic. It never gets old.  Love has been defined by so many people in so many ways for so long.

This speech is on my favourite definition or explanation of it—The Triangular Theory of Love.

Robert Sternberg’s a psychologist and he formulated this theory at around 1986. In a nutshell, he says that love is defined by  3 components. The three components are intimacy, passion and commitment.

Let’s define the components.

Intimacy is the feeling of closeness that you feel with a person. It’s when you talk to someone and share thoughts, ideas, dreams and generally feeling that you’re understood by the other person.

The second is Passion. The basic definition is  having sexual relations or having physical feelings for someone.  It’s the desire to hug and kiss someone, hold their hand or make love to them.

The final component is Commitment. Commitment is defined as the basic decision to love or be with a person whether it be short term or long term.

And so these three—Intimacy, Passion and Commitment make the triangle of  love. According to the theory, different combinations of the components can describe all the love that exists in the world.

The first combination is NonLove.  Simply put, it is the absence of all components. It’s not feeling any intimacy, physical attraction or commitment to someone. I basically call this indifference.

Liking or friendship is the second form of love. It has intimacy but no commitment or passion. As the name suggests, this is the love shared by  most friends or acquaintances.

Third is Infatuated love. This is when someone is attracted to someone based on the physical. It’s like having a crush from afar.

The fourth form is Empty Love. This love has commitment but no passion and no intimacy. This would be the type of love in an arranged marriage wherein both people are committed to each other but they don’t know each other and have not seen each other—hence no intimacy and no passion.

The next one is the most familiar —called Romantic Love. It’s when there’s passion and intimacy in the relationship but no real sustaining commitment. The type of love is found in new romances, there is intimacy, there is physical attraction butno lasting commitment.

The sixth is called Companionate Love. It’s where there is commitment and intimacy but no passion.  This type of relationship can usually be seen in long-term marriages where the sexual attraction might have faded, but the deep affection and commitment remains. This form of love can also be seen in long term platonic friendships—which we usually call —BFFs or best friends forever.

Second to the last is the Fatuous love. It’s when there is passion and there is commitment but no intimacy. The best example of this would be shotgun weddings. They get married because of the results of their physical attraction but they don’t really know each other.

The final combination is called Consummate love.  It has all the components — intimacy, passion and commitment. It’s when you’ve been with a person for years, are still attracted to them physically, consider them your best friend, and can’t imagine life without them.  It’s the ideal, the perfect love—hard to attain and even harder to maintain.

And so these are the 8 forms of love according to the Triangular theory. There are other theories like the color wheel theory of love  but the triangular theory is my favorite. It’s because it’s simple and it makes sense. It gives leeway to factors such as time, human behaviour and special conditions. It doesn’t define love as being static but moving— like it’s a journey or a story unfolding. Love can flow from Non love to Friendship then to Romantic love ripening to Consummate love then gradually becoming Companionate love.

But perhaps, the biggest reason why i like this theory is because with it I find it easier to answer some of life’s difficult questions.

What difficult questions, you ask?

Well for example, Life asks me— “What is love?”

And because of this theory, i have an answer—I’d answer, “I believe in Robert Sternsberg’s theory—Love to me, is a triangle—of intimacy, passion and commitment.”

And then sometimes life asks me further—” What kind of love do you want in your life?”

And as the triangular theory suggests that the most successful relationships are with people who want the same triangle, my answer would be:

“I want Consummate Love.  And I’m working on it.”

————-

It’s a speech to inform. I enjoyed researching on it and talking about it.

It is my favorite definition of love. I hope everyone had a great Valentine’s day week!

This speech was presented last February 9, 2012 at the MSE Penthouse Room B.

For more information on this topic: Visit  the wiki here.. The diagram/photo is also from that site.