What Was I Thinking?

I’ve been reading my old blog posts. Some of them are making me sit up and look around where I’m at, which I think is good. That old blog’s about 10 years old, and yeah, I’ve been through a lot of…stuff. 

‘What was I thinking?!??’

I asked this question to Visa more than once, as I read the old blog. At first, I cringed at the awful stupid things I’ve done or thought, BUT I remembered what Madonna said in the Britney: For the Record documentary:

“I think “What was I thinking?” is the first question that a person who starts to examine themselves asks themselves.” 

Madonna knows her shit. Aaaannnd I think it’s time for a little bit of self-assessment.  I should have really done this at the start of the year, which I did (a little), but I guess, I needed a more in-depth retrospection. (and now I finally have the time for it! yay!)

The blog started at 2002 and I’m now reading the entries around 2005, and so far, I find it wonderful that I can look back and remember what I’ve learned. For example, how I should never make my mommy cry. 🙂 And as I continue to read blog entries, I laugh at some of the memories (and the writing) and all the insane things I did for love or other things. I do sometimes really wonder who that 21 year old person was. It’s so weird to read words that you’ve written before and don’t remember. It’s so… so..so very weird. But there were some entries that made me cry just reading their titles, because I remembered them. Those are the moments that I’m glad that I sat down in front of a computer and typed my heart out.

Looking back makes you really realize how far you’ve come. I’m now 30. (and saying that has become easier after 6 months. haha!) Turning 30 wasn’t as scary as I thought. The months pre-30s felt like shit though(but the whole I’m-turning-30-sh*tfest could have been amplified by a few other things and persons…. har har!)  Hmm, I can smile about it now, which is awesome. I think when I get to 2012, and read the entries that I wrote during that time, I’ll be laughing my head off.

I really have no idea if the full “ramifications” of being in my 30s have already hit. Or if such things are  still coming? Or if I’m even making sense? But then as long as I make sense to me and a few other people that I care about, I think I’m better than good.

Well, reading about the 2005 me is making some sense. I wonder what reading 2006 will bring, and how many more times will I ask myself– “What was I thinking?”  🙂

Most probably, A LOT. 🙂

I’m posting Cat Power’s “the Greatest” below, because it seems… appropriate.

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4 thoughts on “What Was I Thinking?

  1. When I read my old entries at my personal blog, I instantly hid the whole blog from the rest of the world. 😀 There’s a lot of stuff in it that my pre-30-year-old self wouldn’t approve for public reading. But those posts make me realize how much I’ve grown and it makes me sigh why I haven’t blogged more when I had the time.

  2. Haha i love this joko! I now will look at my other blog and see the evolution of me lol
    I will probably cringe too and hide under the blanket as I laugh at my grammar errors and will most likely edit everything in my head but you know what I will probably and most likely agree with the undeniable question u stated….what was I thinking…hhaha. we are in the age of self expression and wanting a connection so you know what..thank u for the evolution of you. Keep on being inspired and inspiring others. ♥C.M.C

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