Guarded interactions

I’ve been a bit depressed because I’ve gained a lot of weight back. All the stuff I slaved to lose– they’re back again. It’s all very confusing to me how to go back to that again, but I’ve set a goal that I should. So I will.

That said, my self-esteem has been on a rollercoaster ride. I’m glad that I won things but I cringe inside every time I see a picture of me, and think to myself, “why didn’t you join last year!?!” I was thinner last year. Oh how was I thinner last year.

Pfft.

These “issues” have been doing the merry go round in my head for a while now. Repeating that for good ole emphasis. And I’m stuck trying to figure out what my idea of beauty is, and if said idea would apply to me. Or not. I have been mostly leaning towards NOT.

So today.

Going to an event. Food again. I put on lipstick. I put powder since I didn’t want to be an oily mess in front of strangers. Rouge on cheeks so I won’t be plain and brown.

I rolled down my car window. Smiling at a guard, I asked, “where can I park?”

He answered, “basement 2,” and blurted out, “ang ganda nyo ma’am!”

I said, “thank you.”

It indeed made me feel good. Cut me some slack on this as  I have been dealing with some internal beauty issues.

But as I sleep tonight, it occurred to me that it might not be my face per se that he was referring to.

Before windows moved, I just finished listening to a food podcast. I was in a good mood having listened to Eric Ripert talk about his frustrations and how he got over them.

And similar instances in my own life flashed into my head, and it made me feel grateful, and nice– an all-around nice, care bear style kinda happy, yah know?

So I think now, as I write this, is that if beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, perhaps I should just smile at myself more.

worth a shot. 🙂

smile!

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